So I sit here gagging because I've been chewing gum for longer than 10 minutes. Ten minutes probably seems like a long time to chew gum, but it's really not very long at all and I don't usually chew it even that long-- it makes me sick.

I'm sneezing too. Ugh. Allergies. And I am kinda sad. God kinda, well not kinda, He DID put me in my place this morning and I am grumpy now because of it. ARGH! I just want to run around screaming. I am reminded of how much like a two year old I am! I am sooooo childish! Now I'm mad because I didn't get my way and I'm childish. Go figure.

I hate this stage in my life. I'm at the point where I am on the verge of numerous things, none of which have gone one way or another. And writing in this dumb blog isn't helping any. In fact, it's just ticking me off even more. I think I've got a really bad case of PMS. Ugh. Oh-- good thing, I have a date this week! Woohooo! She's in the game!
MAVS FOR LIFE - Western Conference Finals 2003

My mind is all jumbledy right now. Too much going on in one week. Well, actually there isn't very much going on at all. I like to feel purpose so I like having all these little projects. It's raining here today! Praise JESUS! We really, really need it.

So I have an interview on Thursday. I feel so weird. I mean, all grown up and stuff ---but yet I still feel 16-- ALL AT THE SAME TIME! Call it hormones, call it that moldy carpet from last summer or freakin anemia-- but I know that it's just weird!

I'm nervous too about Wednesday. David hasn't called me back to let me know either way & I'm afraid he's going to say "No." I half expect him to, because -to me- that would be a sign to move on. The longer I go, the more I realize maybe he wasn't the best thing for me. Who knows. I'm at the point where it all belongs to God and I just want to exist in His Holiness.

Then, I am famously horrible when it comes to anything mathmatical. Seriously, counting back change is a serious chore for me. I perceive myself to be relatively intelligent, but I really do horrible in math. To prove how brilliant I am [snort] I signed up to take Calculus and Statistics consecutively for six weeks. Right. Brilliant. I told you so. So I take a Calculus test this morning and do marvelous. In fact, I'm doing marvelous in both classes. I really want to know what the crack is going on. I get soooooo frustrated because if I could have two consecutive semesters without major life events happening I could actually have a decent GPA. But, that's all water under the bridge right?

Wow. The rain falling right now is really pretty. It's falling straight. Not slanted or sideways or criss cross like it sometimes does. Just a nice, medium rain. Falling straight.

Argh. I must explain that 'argh' isn't necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it's good. Right now it's a 'wow'. I just am really excited. My car is getting fixed and I have no money but I'm still happy. I'm so pumped at the idea of this job and potential other things...... ehhhh heeeeeee!

I just feel a release. Freedom that my past is my past and that it's ok to move on. I am solid enough to stand in rough winds and weather the storm. Of course, that's not of my own doing. God gives you strength. I believed that through all of last year and this year too, but when you see the actual light at the end of the tunnel it's a totally different thing.

Wow. I'm really hungry. I ate breakfast and that really sped my metabolism up. Hungry hungry hungry. Hopefully supplies will arrive soon.

Ahh...I've been out of town all week and I finally came home last night. One's own bed is the best!! But, I walk in the door and I am #8. Yep, I am one of EIGHT [count 'em...one, two, three, four, five....] that will be sleeping in my house tonight!! CRAZY! But, it's cool because they are are cool kids. Connor - 4, Colby - 11/12, Toshi - 18/19, and the rest of my family. It's really neat. You see, Connor and Colby are two of the coolest kids ever. Connor is sooooo smart. He woke me up this morning [at an ungodly hour] to play Bob the Builder on my computer. Someone had told him that the black computer was mine and he remembered that and came and woke me up---even though I had no clue that someone had set him up with Bob on my computer. Connor just knew that it was my computer and Bob was on it!

Toshi is my sister's friend from Japan. He goes to school in the states and comes to stay with us periodically. I guess just to hang out. Oh, back to Connor & Colby. We go to church with their parents and they were going away for the weekend. So, the boys are hangin at our crib.

Let's see....that should just about do it. Well, hee hee hee. Adios! Off to tha grease pit~

well, my friend Brian says that he has been reading my blog. That's funny because no one was supposed to know about my blog. It was supposed to be my very public [yet secret] diary. So... humm.... what's new in the world? God is so good. I can say that right this second because I've just "dried it up" as my Dad would say. Yeah, bawling my eyes out isn't uncommon these days. I really really really really....really to the infinite power.... hate what is going on in my life. I do. It's sickening to me. I don't know why I think I'm supposed to be exempt from pain- but for some reason I tend to think I'm priviledged.

So, yeah-- my counselor/psychologist whatever you want to call him is making, well I say making-- but he recommended that David and I get everything straight. Argh. I really don't want to, but I already knew I needed to before my c/p brought it up. So, yeah I broke down and talked to David and then.... after we parted way THANK GOD I lost it. I mean, really really lost it. I'm ok now, but it emotionally exhausts me. I miss him so much! Our realtionship wasn't perfect, but man--- I really really loved him. And still do love him. I am fighting the temptation to place him on a pedestal.

So, life goes on nonetheless. Right? I've got "good" things scheduled! A BBQ at my friend John Michael's and a hair cut on Monday! Woohoo! I'm excited! Not really. I just want this to pass. "This too shall pass" right? And like I said, it's all about me! LOL! That's a joke! Well, I'm off for now.

my my my. [to be said while sighing] Well, summer has started and yet ended at the same time. Summer in the traditional since has started. I can wear flip flops and lip shine and my hair in a messy up do. But... summer has ended because school has started.

I'm really trying hard to understand a lot of things right now. I know God, in all his amazingness, has brought me to where I am today and if it wasn't His doing, it really doesn't matter because He can use me regardless. Still, it's so difficult. I grow weary with the daily struggle. But, I have grit that I never knew I had too--- so it's all good. I really want to know what's going on though!! I am not a patient waiter!! I do not wait well!

I am being very random and skipping aroung a lot, but it all makes sense to me and.... this is "all about me" is it not? I still love David very much and want him to be happy. I see the destructive tendencies and just ache. I want to hold him and hug him and let him know that he is perfect just they way he is. He doesn't have to have all this cool "stuff" for people to like him. His personality and good heart is enough! I want him to have the personal satisfaction of being commited to something and completing that. I want him to know that he is making a difference in the world. I want all these things for him because I know he wants them too, but is just looking in all the wrong places. I know that Sarah is not a good thing for him. Yes, she makes him happy- but she isn't challenging his un-healthy issues. I am thinking long term happiness here. The question presented to me is this: do you wait for the one you love with no guarantee that this person will ever come to their senses?

I know that God can take the craziest of situations and turn them into good. God has had much messier situations than mine to straighten out. I also realize that I probably won't get my way! LOL! And maybe that's the real issue. I am soooo used to getting my way that when I don't.... it's bad. Whether or not I like to admit it, I'm spoiled rotten. The "american dream" that everyone talks about.... yeah, I'm pretty much living it. So this drama-- it's all cake.

[Sigh] I feel relieved, and it feels really weird. My "real" summer is today. Yep... that's it. My best friend graduated from college today. I would love to write--- but it's just not in me tonight.

Right... or I should say "wrong" actually. You see, I was rocking along A-O-K. Actually, everything was hunky-dory. Then, I started drinking that blasted water that I was telling you about. Yep. The drama happened again. I wonder if I am letting all this affect me too much, but it's really hard not to. I wish I could go really in depth, but I'm afraid someone in "the situation" will read this and thus... you guessed it - more drama.

Other than that, everything's good. I start summer school on Tuesday. Ugh. More school. All my friends are leaving and heading home for the summer, sniff sniff. Graduation is Saturday and it's going to be encouraging to see my best friend graduate. It lets me know that I can finish.

I am sooooo very frustrated at this moment. I know that God allows things like this to happen. I know that I will be such a better person because of it-- but WHY THE HELL ME? I mean, I've got jerkwad and his little girl who - it appears to me - God didn't deem "worthy" enough to bring trial upon at this moment. And part of me wants to feel good that He wants to refine me, but I'm miserable. I'm a Christian. You must understand that I am at the lowest part of my Christian walk. Ever. It's very frustrating. I am a person who is very fond of forward progress. So, I'm off to make some progress.