you know it's summer when... 

Eek -- it's wedding season again! According to industry research, there are approximately 2.4 million weddings each year, and 82% occur between May and October. When you're single, you know what that means: a never-ending siege of nuptial nonsense that you are required to:
1. Attend (on your own).
2. Buy a dress for (on your own).
3. Buy an expensive gift for (on your own).
4. Navigate toasts, intrusive questioning by well-meaning relatives and friends, and bouquet-tossing silliness -- on your own.

In short, wedding season is as taxing as it gets. To ensure that you make it through this season in one piece, I've come up with the Single Woman's Wedding Survival Guide. Don't go to a ceremony without it.

Part 1: Supplies
Normally you wouldn't need to carry much more than lipstick and car keys in your bag, but come wedding time, be prepared like a good scout. Tote along:
--Advil
--Tissues
--A cell phone (so you can call friends for moral support)
--Business cards (in case you meet someone cute)
--A spare pair of comfy shoes (so you can kick up your heels and get funky)
--A good excuse to leave early
--A list of fun things to do afterward (rent "Pirates of the Caribbean," enjoy a bubble bath, take Schedule 1 drugs)

Part 2: Appearance
I hardly need to remind you that looking good is no substitute for feeling good -- but looking fabulous will compensate quite nicely. So pay extra attention to your hair, nails, etc. And if you have to choose between buying a ho-hum frock that seems sensible because you'll wear it again and a stunner you may wear only three more times in your life, spring for the dress that will make people swear they saw you in the pages of InStyle magazine.

Part 3: Handy phrases
Nothing is worse than waking up at 3 a.m. after the wedding and thinking of all the things you should have said to those "well-meaning" friends and relatives who "unconsciously" say things that make you want to kill them. Here are a few excellent responses to have in your pocket:
When they ask whether you're seeing anyone yet (they always have to throw in the yet, don't they?), you can say:

"I was dating a shipping magnate from Cyprus, but he hated the fact that my Norwegian lover, Lars, was so possessive. So, theoretically, I'm single. You?"

Or:"Oh, let's not talk about me. Aunt Ellen was just telling me that you suffer from hemorrhoids."

Or:"You know, I've decided to quit dating. It's completely unrewarding, and where does it all end? Here, in a dreary reception room with all your relatives getting drunk."

When they comment on how happy the bride is and how lucky she is and that her sister is pregnant, you can say:
"God bless -- they do make a perfect match! Now what about you? I hear from Aunt Ellen that you've got shingles."

Or:"Her sister is pregnant? That's so wonderful. I just couldn't bear being saddled with a kid right now, not when Lars, my Norwegian lover, is so passionate about our time together. He's planning to take me abroad for a year."

Part 4: Proper behavior
Wedding etiquette is slightly different for us single gals. A few tips:
1. Cry your eyes out. If bitter melancholy overwhelms you as your friend/cousin/sister walks down the aisle, let the tears flow as you murmur, "Isn't she beautiful?" Sob. Repeat at the reception as needed.
2. Drink lightly. Nothing is more depressing than a drunk single woman. Besides, you need to be able to fend off the bride's Uncle Vic.
3. Rock on. Most weddings have an open dance floor, so there's no need to wait for anyone to ask you to dance. Grab a friend and boogie. Dancing lets off steam and brings an attractive glow to your complexion.
4. Flirt. They say that a wedding is a great place to meet someone. I think this is a lie manufactured by the wedding industry to keep singles from boycotting these events. But if there is a cute guy, chat him up. So what if he's 16?
5. Don't be alone. Single or married, there are plenty of folks who find weddings as uncomfortable as you do, for whatever reason. Find 'em.
Part 5: Your private mantrasIf you accidentally stumble onto the trapdoor that sends you spiraling down into how depressing it all is and how alone you feel, step outside, clear your head and repeat after me:
"This is only a few hours out of my life."
"I'm gorgeous."
"Married people aren't happier; they're just married."
"She has to have sex with him forever, while my options are still open."
Now dig up that good excuse to leave early (see Part 1: Supplies) and get outta there! Wedding season is like the NBA play-offs: You need time to recharge between games.