Chronicles of Boyfriendia-Numero Cuatro

Folks – sit back and relax, because you are getting a TWO ‘FER DEAL today. Yes, a two-for-the-price-of-one boyfriendia story today. I know you’ve all been clamoring for an update (namely Jasien) so I’ll cut to the chase.

Chris & JM

Chris was my fourth grade boyfriend and he started the short man fetish. Well… fetish is a bit of a strong term, but nonetheless – my better judgment was lost and I proceeded to have a boyfriend who was ::GASP:: not as tall as I was. I look back in horror because I was entirely too young to be the possessor of an ID bracelet which Chris deemed necessary for me to wear. (Oh—the public school days of yore.) I should have realized right then and there that the short man identity crisis was in full swing.

Here’s my reasoning: short men (actually men who are shorter than the women they date) are… how shall I say? – driven. A bit more dominating than your run-of-the-mill “taller than the women they date” man. And so in my quest for world domination I decided that Chris – would be my ticket to running the UN. I could ride on his coattails to power – oh, wait, his coattails drag the ground! How about I just walk beside him, eh? And so off we went to conquer the fourth grade. I don’t really recall why and where the separation of superpowers occurred. Maybe it was because I supported free trade and he didn’t. I do recall that our first “big fight” was over North Vietnam and the DMZ. Craziness.

Anyway – apparently I didn’t get enough short man because… ten years later… another one comes along. At this point on the timeline I’m still seeking world domination, but I’ve scaled down the operation to just a few, select women in my posse: Condoleezza Rice, Carly Fiorina, Madeline Albright etc.

We’re seeking to diversify and so we decide that it’s probably best for me to go with not only short – but Latin. (Keep in mind that I am a very white sister. Most notable white trash mishap: taking a camo swimsuit to LA – and I don’t mean Lower Alabama) Off I go to conquer the world with my new, short and now PC Latin boyfriend. I’ve always gone for dark and handsome but this was a new low.

JM was fun – but the “diversify” technique didn’t exactly work. For starters – he didn’t even know Spanish. Then, there was the whole issue of us not exactly liking each other. Yes – loving one another with the love of the Lord is one thing – the will to like someone is another. As you can probably forecast – things went sour and south simultaneously.

Until next time, kids. Remember ladies – in the words of Counting Crows…

It’s all a lot of oysters, with no pearls.